I'm not going to waste your time reading this, or my time writing this. To get straight to it, 2014 sucked. Right after midnight tolled and 2015 began, I felt new again and that my struggles from the past year were over. Although, the year did provide me with one awesome thing, and that was 50-55 pages added to my book. Over the last 3.5 years I've gotten about 100 pages written, and the bulk of it was written in the latter portion of this year.
I feel so empowered by this change of the year and will (hopefully) write each day so I can finish my book in June. I'm just going to emphasize *hopefully* because I have yet to meet a deadline that I've set for myself.
Let's rewind to May 2014 so I can prove this point.
I got so sick of not making deadlines that I made two calendars: one for June and one for July. Each was mapped out counting down every 10 days to remind myself that my time was running out to reach a particular portion in my book. I even wrote little notes along the way to guilt myself into writing. For example, at the top of my July calendar I wrote myself a "note of encouragement." It read: "A little birdie told me that you're behind. Better get at it. This shit won't write itself." I remember writing that at the beginning of June, and then laughing in July when I realized I knew myself too well. I barely made a dent in the writing I needed to finish when July rolled around. But looking back, I'm glad I wrote that because I got to work and wrote a ton of pages...about 30. Lo and behold, today I still haven't reached my end of July goal, so maybe I just had outrageous wishful thinking.
Right after the year flipped over, I changed my computer background to a picture that included a quote which pretty much sums up what I want from this year. I love the quote, I've loved it for years, and I felt it was right to smack in front of my face each time I started my computer. This is it.
Beautiful scenery with a quote so simple. The only way I will have the opportunity to run along the journey I want to create, is with "...a single step." By writing each day, I'm a step closer to that journey. But the best part of it all is that each step is a journey in itself.
This year will be the year I finish writing my book and begin the process of revising and editing. With my confidence restored, there's not much that can stop me!
I believe I did something like this last year on my old blog, so I figured I'd spill out another year of my life to anyone interested. Writing is a portal of my most honest emotion, so here it goes. On new years day I was optimistic of what the year held for me, but it proved to hold a few more setbacks than I was expecting. For the first time I decided to write a list of resolutions. These resolutions were more set on the fact I wanted to keep my life moving forward, and keep me from dwelling--as that seems to be something I am good at. I don't think I crossed a single thing off the list, partially because I forgot which notebook I had written them in and which drawer I hid the notebook in. But, I'm not letting this little fact count on my list because it was more of an experiment to see if I would actually follow through with something. I tend to have quite the commitment problem. 1. My birthday came in and went out with little excitement. The world granted me with the shortest birthday I have ever had-- a whopping 22 hours! It was a blustery, snowy day in which I drove across the state and went through a time zone to take an hour away. Daylight savings also happened to be working against me and stole one more hour from me. But, I did not want this to make me bitter! I continued on as if it were just another day. After all, how bad could it have been when I had a cake next to me softly singing "Happy Birthday?" 2. My second semester of college presented itself with more challenges than I had ever had to deal with. School was always something I had to try at, but it was leaving me feeling like a failure. My friends were all smart and were having little issues, which left me feeling alone. Since I was in high school my plan was to get in and out of school to move one with a life I actually wanted to work for. I had to do a self reevaluation because there was no way I could get to where I wanted if I wasn't willing to work hard to get there. For the first time in my life I was failing a class, one I tried to understand but several factors left me clueless and ready to give up. A day before the drop date passed I came to the harsh reality of my grade and chose to say goodbye to the class and give my every effort into the rest of my classes--one of which was a struggling C. Being an independent individual made this eat away at me. I never wanted to experience a failure again. I felt like this "failure" not only disgraced me because I looked at myself poorly, but having very smart siblings made me feel like they would look down on me. With this "self reevaluation" I discovered how extensive the network of people backing me really was. If only I had reached out for help and accepted my struggles earlier. I'm glad I was faced with a failure in a class though. A class does not depict my personality, nor my character. It simply states whether or not I understood the material presented. 3. Because of feeling like a failure, I knew the only way I could bring myself truly back from it was by retaking the class. I didn't really have a choice though. With a summer to get my required classes taken before applying to nursing school, I knew I couldn't afford any mess-ups. I also knew that if I couldn't work well under the stress of a full plate, how was I supposed to make it through a professional program? I spent my summer retaking the class I failed, retaking a class I knew I could do better in, and taking a class to get ahead. That put me at 10 credits, nearly a full time student. I couldn't stop there though, I needed money. I worked part time in tourism, and picked up volunteer hours at the hospital. The desire to be busy wasn't exactly my idea of a fun summer, but I knew I wanted to get into nursing school and that my current GPA wouldn't cut it. By the end of the summer, I had passed all of my classes with nearly 100% A's. I worked so hard for one goal, and when the acceptance into nursing school came, I declined it. It was a decision that ripped at me, but it was at my second choice. I knew if I had taken it and ran with it that I would let my current classes slide by and I would always feel like I had chosen the second best option for me. 4. With my reevaluation summer, there was one more thing that I needed to take care of. I pretended to ignore the mess that accumulated annually, but it was time to face the fact that I was becoming a hoarder. So many material things became personal as I tried giving meaning to keeping them over the years. I knew the only way I could truly turn a new leaf was by erasing my past. I got rid of nearly everything from my childhood. Old pictures of friends that meant nothing to me, all my old trinkets, even the color of my room had to be changed. I wanted to be a new person and not let anyone know of my struggles that turned into not letting go of material items. Three car loads of donations and sixteen bags of garbage were taken out, and I'm happy to say clearing out my life and starting new has been one of my best decisions. 5. A few weeks into my sophomore semester I was excited by the change, but saddened by the disappearance of one of my best friends. The more I longed to rekindle the friendship, the deeper into a depression I fell. Afraid I was losing good friends and not going to make new ones made me uncertain I was making the right choices. And in the midst of the confusion I got a call telling me my grandpa, one of the closest family members to me, had cancer. I couldn't imaging losing him, but I didn't know who to talk to. I rarely express my feelings to others, but the one person I could was no longer wanting to be in my picture. All I wanted was for an answer to tell me what to do. Part of me was angry because I could tell all week that something was wrong, and the whole time there was something wrong. I just didn't know until the end of the week. The next night I had plans to go to a concert, so that was nice to ease my mind of the situation, but I knew I had to go home at the next possible weekend. Chemo has hopefully been working its miracle on my gramps, and in a couple weeks will be his last treatment. I'm hoping this was just a test to check if I'm taking the most of every moment I have with my family. It in a way was an answer to my shaky friendships. Those who were supportive to me were present, and those who had disappeared from my life probably wouldn't ever be there in the future. 6. Just before Thanksgiving I was confided in with disturbing information. I had become a source of information knowing of potential harmful behavior. Gruesome images of how this individual wanted another to be raped and murdered haunted me, so I told the targeted individual and eventually was put under a witness protection security by my school. Until Christmas break I avoided potential places where my "informant" may be hanging out. Because I had ratted and he had only told me, I didn't want to come across him alone. I still wonder why the individual confided in me because I had known them for less than five minutes. As long as I can return to normal life when I return to school, I can put it in the past, even with unanswered questions. 7. With 2013 appearing to have much more negatives than positives, I'm happy to say I can end on a good note, after all, seven is a lucky number. To start, I'm one of those girls who will chase something until the end of the earth, but in the end pretend I'm loveless. I believe love exists in the world, but I never used to think it truly did for me. There was one person I think I truly fell for in 2012-2013. I never dated the kid, nor was I ever referred to as more than a friend, but there was something that kept me from running away. We completely understood each other and had a deeper connection that we tapped into. The world disappeared when we would talk and we made the other person better. But 2013 was weird and tore us a little bit and after a while we stopped talking. I remember my mom once saying that if I opened my eyes I would see the world was interested in me. My tunnel vision focus blocks the world out and I forget the opportunities that are floating by. During my tunnel vision phase at the start of September I met a few other guys, and was very interested in one, but was still preoccupied in trying to mend my broken "friendship." One morning I opened my eyes to the situation and decided to stop trying at the lost cause. That same night the friend I was beginning to become more interested in made it apparent he was interested in me. I took a leap of faith and couldn't be happier in the outcome. My wavering friend is back, but not nearly as close as he used to be, and I've fallen for one of the nicest guys I've met. If I hadn't have given him or myself the chance, 2013 might have ended on a very different note. I'm not sure if I am aware of what exactly "love" is, but I've learned it's a learning process. I know I'm happy, and in the end, that's all that really matters.
If I could categorize myself as anything, it would be an observer. I've never been a leader, nor have I been a follower. Today I happened to notice a small phenomena that I'm hoping isn't just happening with me--but then again, I'm hoping not everyone is this way.
Everyone has friends that they have fallen apart from, as well as having friends that are nearly acquaintances. In a scenario incorporating both, who do you acknowledge?
Today I was walking with my sister and mother (as well as half the town) through the mall for the annual Black Friday shopping hype. I had run into an acquaintance who used to be a good friend and had greeted her quickly as I continued by (to be friendly, but I wished I hadn't have seen her). Not long after this encounter I had passed her again, but this time we both sort of "looked away" as if we hadn't seen each other. Why? Because girls are odd creatures, and that's about the only explanation I can give it. Less than ten seconds later I passed my old best friend who I had roughly said goodbye to about six months prior. Instead of ignoring her, I smiled back and gestured hello--to reply to her sad smile.
Why do we ignore our "friends" yet acknowledge near strangers? Have we conformed to a sort of society that cherishes the past and the future, yet cannot enjoy what is in front of us? Or does the truth lie in the fact we are curious as to how everyone else lives their lives now that we no longer hear of it all the time?
Why is it that when prompted with the question, "who do you acknowledge," we lie and say our friends? Of course you would acknowledge a friend, but what harm lies in a kind gesture to a foe or stranger? There is none, which is why we acknowledge a wide range of people throughout a day. Acquaintances for some reason, though, get the back burner and an acknowledgment only half the time.
I'm disappointed in myself for becoming the sort of person who dreads some "hello's" and openly greets others. I'll probably expand on this later, but for now it's food for thought.
Through the course of life we discover what makes us happy, sad, angry, and so forth. But we also learn lessons on various levels to keep and reflect on. They're taught to us through experience, and experience is how we live. These lessons I'm reflecting on now are partially because of recent events, but also because I constantly think about them. I never stop thinking about what I've learned so I can be a better person. Several times since I was younger I was told, "The day you stop learning, is the day you stop living." Naturally, I've kept a vast set of interests so that I could continue expanding my mind to keep from being ignorant in the world of opportunity. Though I have much to learn still, I feel like I have a solid foundation to build from.
First, I'd like to address anyone who feels entitled to anything. There's no set amount of responsibilities that each of us must fulfill, but it is a duty to take responsibility over situations we can. We cannot feel entitled to objects or abstract ideas if we simply want it, or have worked toward it. So many people think they deserve something just because they temporarily wanted it. Why should anyone be given anything if they didn't put their heart into it? We're becoming lazy. People sit around and expect things to be given to them when they've taken no responsibilities upon themselves. When the people aren't doing their duty, why should they expect others to? Why should anyone be given anything if they haven't been responsible and done their part? If you have a problem with scholarships being given to people based on their race, then why do you feel entitled to a promotion for doing as you're told? The concepts are the same. If you don't take the responsibility upon yourself to work towards something to better yourself, then you shouldn't feel entitled to promotions, money, respect, etc. We live in a world where our actions aren't always repaid in the same respect, but we must strive for the moments they are.
Second, I'd like to address expressing yourself. We've all heard that no one is better at being you, than you. It's cliche sounding, yet so true. Those around us want us to succeed in whatever path we choose to follow. Whether the path is a simple trek, or a near impossible journey, it all starts within us. How we define and express ourselves allows us to discover if we truly are comfortable in who we are. A journey, no matter how small, becomes difficult if we lose ourselves along the way. We express ourselves in what we wear, music, talents, and interests. Take a moment to think of the brand names you cover yourself with, the makeup that seemingly matches an actresses, and your talents. Do you define yourself by what you see portrayed by others, or do you have your own image? Are you so consumed in how you look that you forget who you are beneath it all? When life gets rough, the push to continue along our journey comes from within. Allow yourself to discover your talents and everything great about yourself beyond the materialistic arts. Don't settle because it's easy, be motivated by your dreams and talents. Express yourself in a way that those around you know you're confident, yet still humble. No one great got to their place of distinction by sitting back, silently dreaming of what could be. They expressed themselves and had the confidence within that held strong when not everyone agreed with their idea.
Third, friendships aren't always made to last. As we grow up, we discover who we want to be and what we want out of our future. We don't control who is or isn't our friend manually. Most of the time, we simply grow apart from people. The friends who stay part of our lives through thick and thin, are cherished more closely and not forgotten. Small tiffs can tear apart friends, but honestly, how true was the friendship if mends couldn't be made? Distance also alters friendships. When away, we become more of who we aspire to be, and sometimes upon return, the friendship doesn't always click like it used to. The mutual drawbacks will be easier to move on from, but when the friendship ends abruptly due to clash of ideals, closure is harder to come by. We strive for answers, it's human nature. No one really likes settling on an idea that nothing can be done. As long as you stay true, there's nothing more to be said. If neither of you can see eye to eye, then leave it and move on. The world is vast and full of people to meet and befriend. Stay true to who you want to be, and those who stay in your life or enter it will only bring you happiness.
Fourth, do not try to change a persons beliefs. The basic principles that people most often want to debate are ones that have been embedded in their minds so long that they won't change. It doesn't matter who they got the initial idea from, everyone adapts their own take to it. Take for instance politics, religion, and love. For me, politics was a whiteboard that I drew on and created my own stance. It may be similar to my family's, but it is uniquely my own. It isn't something I can even fully discuss with them, because my ideals are different and I see things differently. Religion is something that was embedded into me the day I was born. I've since seen things my own way, but the roots remain. Love is something that has surrounded us all as well, but we all have different interpretations. To some, love doesn't exist, to others, love is behind everything. Growing up, I heard phrases like: "love is blind," "love at first sight," and so forth. I don't believe anyone truly understands how I view love, but in short, it's complicated. I believe it does and does not exist in equal quantities. What I've learned is it's ok to be curious and ask people about their beliefs and why, but never question them whether their beliefs are right or wrong. Who really knows what's right or wrong, anyway? Beliefs are what make us individuals, and it would be a shame if we never allowed ourselves to make our own.
Fifth, you never know a good thing until it's gone. It doesn't matter what situation you apply this phrase to because it revives itself every day. You're never sad until your happiness is gone. Being a naturally content species, we don't tell ourselves we're happy; we simply are until something upsets our happiness. Being a fairly easily interpreted phrase, I'll just allow it to mesh into my next lesson.
Last but not least, cherish life. Cherish family, friends, and opportunities, because before you know it, they're gone. It didn't take me long to learn this lesson, in fact, I'm still learning from it. The opportunities you have to enjoy the company around you shouldn't be wasted away by wishing you were elsewhere. Any opportunity you have to seize the day, do it. One day you might not get the chance. Seize it for those who no longer can, and for the day you no longer can. Tell your family you love them every chance, because the one time you don't might be your last chance.
Learn from others experiences, and never stop experiencing life yourself. Remember, it's never a mistake if it taught you something.
> This song has a pretty good message if you view it on life in general.
All anyone wants out of life is happiness, but how do you explain yourself if you constantly keep yourself from reaching it? Happiness lies all around us, and all it takes is a simple step to grasp it.
Ask yourself, what do you love? Does it make you happy? That should be the ticket to happiness, but it’s too easy. It is only temporary. Through life, one simply cannot do everything they love over and over. If they do, it slowly loses emphasis and becomes nothing.
Take what you love and add to it. Alter it as time passes so it contains the basics that bring you happiness, but is new so you can continue to enjoy it. Find happiness in everything so you enjoy life.
Ignore the little things that upset you, because as time passes they mean nothing. Ignore them, because nothing should alter your happiness.
So, to start off my blog, I decided I will go ahead and post some of my previous posts from my last blog. Every day that I want to update my blog, but don't have anything new about my book, I'll add one of these posts. Sometimes at school I'll feel philosophical and come up with these witty/nonsense posts, but because I like reflecting back to them they're getting reposted! I'll label past posts with my former blog website so they aren't confused with my new witty/nonsense posts.
Once I get a grasp on the courses I'm taking this summer, I'll have updates on my book!
Hello! I decided it was time to adjust my blog to what I really wanted it to be. You can still find me on my tumblr @ moriahsbrain.tumblr.com but I've decided that that blog was turning into more of a "goof around" blog, versus being focused on my book. So here we are again! Hopefully round two of my book blog will bring more success, and reflect why the blog was made.
Here and there I'll probably post random thoughts that have been on my mind that don't correlate with my blog at all, but nevertheless, all posts are important in becoming a successful writer, right? I may also transfer a few posts from my previous blog that I really don't want to be forgotten.
So here commence the thoughts of my mind, hence, Moriah's Brain. I hope you enjoy my new blog!
