I believe I did something like this last year on my old blog, so I figured I'd spill out another year of my life to anyone interested. Writing is a portal of my most honest emotion, so here it goes.
On new years day I was optimistic of what the year held for me, but it proved to hold a few more setbacks than I was expecting. For the first time I decided to write a list of resolutions. These resolutions were more set on the fact I wanted to keep my life moving forward, and keep me from dwelling--as that seems to be something I am good at. I don't think I crossed a single thing off the list, partially because I forgot which notebook I had written them in and which drawer I hid the notebook in. But, I'm not letting this little fact count on my list because it was more of an experiment to see if I would actually follow through with something. I tend to have quite the commitment problem.
1. My birthday came in and went out with little excitement. The world granted me with the shortest birthday I have ever had-- a whopping 22 hours! It was a blustery, snowy day in which I drove across the state and went through a time zone to take an hour away. Daylight savings also happened to be working against me and stole one more hour from me. But, I did not want this to make me bitter! I continued on as if it were just another day. After all, how bad could it have been when I had a cake next to me softly singing "Happy Birthday?"
2. My second semester of college presented itself with more challenges than I had ever had to deal with. School was always something I had to try at, but it was leaving me feeling like a failure. My friends were all smart and were having little issues, which left me feeling alone. Since I was in high school my plan was to get in and out of school to move one with a life I actually wanted to work for. I had to do a self reevaluation because there was no way I could get to where I wanted if I wasn't willing to work hard to get there. For the first time in my life I was failing a class, one I tried to understand but several factors left me clueless and ready to give up. A day before the drop date passed I came to the harsh reality of my grade and chose to say goodbye to the class and give my every effort into the rest of my classes--one of which was a struggling C. Being an independent individual made this eat away at me. I never wanted to experience a failure again. I felt like this "failure" not only disgraced me because I looked at myself poorly, but having very smart siblings made me feel like they would look down on me. With this "self reevaluation" I discovered how extensive the network of people backing me really was. If only I had reached out for help and accepted my struggles earlier. I'm glad I was faced with a failure in a class though. A class does not depict my personality, nor my character. It simply states whether or not I understood the material presented.
3. Because of feeling like a failure, I knew the only way I could bring myself truly back from it was by retaking the class. I didn't really have a choice though. With a summer to get my required classes taken before applying to nursing school, I knew I couldn't afford any mess-ups. I also knew that if I couldn't work well under the stress of a full plate, how was I supposed to make it through a professional program? I spent my summer retaking the class I failed, retaking a class I knew I could do better in, and taking a class to get ahead. That put me at 10 credits, nearly a full time student. I couldn't stop there though, I needed money. I worked part time in tourism, and picked up volunteer hours at the hospital. The desire to be busy wasn't exactly my idea of a fun summer, but I knew I wanted to get into nursing school and that my current GPA wouldn't cut it. By the end of the summer, I had passed all of my classes with nearly 100% A's. I worked so hard for one goal, and when the acceptance into nursing school came, I declined it. It was a decision that ripped at me, but it was at my second choice. I knew if I had taken it and ran with it that I would let my current classes slide by and I would always feel like I had chosen the second best option for me.
4. With my reevaluation summer, there was one more thing that I needed to take care of. I pretended to ignore the mess that accumulated annually, but it was time to face the fact that I was becoming a hoarder. So many material things became personal as I tried giving meaning to keeping them over the years. I knew the only way I could truly turn a new leaf was by erasing my past. I got rid of nearly everything from my childhood. Old pictures of friends that meant nothing to me, all my old trinkets, even the color of my room had to be changed. I wanted to be a new person and not let anyone know of my struggles that turned into not letting go of material items. Three car loads of donations and sixteen bags of garbage were taken out, and I'm happy to say clearing out my life and starting new has been one of my best decisions.
5. A few weeks into my sophomore semester I was excited by the change, but saddened by the disappearance of one of my best friends. The more I longed to rekindle the friendship, the deeper into a depression I fell. Afraid I was losing good friends and not going to make new ones made me uncertain I was making the right choices. And in the midst of the confusion I got a call telling me my grandpa, one of the closest family members to me, had cancer. I couldn't imaging losing him, but I didn't know who to talk to. I rarely express my feelings to others, but the one person I could was no longer wanting to be in my picture. All I wanted was for an answer to tell me what to do. Part of me was angry because I could tell all week that something was wrong, and the whole time there was something wrong. I just didn't know until the end of the week. The next night I had plans to go to a concert, so that was nice to ease my mind of the situation, but I knew I had to go home at the next possible weekend. Chemo has hopefully been working its miracle on my gramps, and in a couple weeks will be his last treatment. I'm hoping this was just a test to check if I'm taking the most of every moment I have with my family. It in a way was an answer to my shaky friendships. Those who were supportive to me were present, and those who had disappeared from my life probably wouldn't ever be there in the future.
6. Just before Thanksgiving I was confided in with disturbing information. I had become a source of information knowing of potential harmful behavior. Gruesome images of how this individual wanted another to be raped and murdered haunted me, so I told the targeted individual and eventually was put under a witness protection security by my school. Until Christmas break I avoided potential places where my "informant" may be hanging out. Because I had ratted and he had only told me, I didn't want to come across him alone. I still wonder why the individual confided in me because I had known them for less than five minutes. As long as I can return to normal life when I return to school, I can put it in the past, even with unanswered questions.
7. With 2013 appearing to have much more negatives than positives, I'm happy to say I can end on a good note, after all, seven is a lucky number. To start, I'm one of those girls who will chase something until the end of the earth, but in the end pretend I'm loveless. I believe love exists in the world, but I never used to think it truly did for me. There was one person I think I truly fell for in 2012-2013. I never dated the kid, nor was I ever referred to as more than a friend, but there was something that kept me from running away. We completely understood each other and had a deeper connection that we tapped into. The world disappeared when we would talk and we made the other person better. But 2013 was weird and tore us a little bit and after a while we stopped talking. I remember my mom once saying that if I opened my eyes I would see the world was interested in me. My tunnel vision focus blocks the world out and I forget the opportunities that are floating by. During my tunnel vision phase at the start of September I met a few other guys, and was very interested in one, but was still preoccupied in trying to mend my broken "friendship." One morning I opened my eyes to the situation and decided to stop trying at the lost cause. That same night the friend I was beginning to become more interested in made it apparent he was interested in me. I took a leap of faith and couldn't be happier in the outcome. My wavering friend is back, but not nearly as close as he used to be, and I've fallen for one of the nicest guys I've met. If I hadn't have given him or myself the chance, 2013 might have ended on a very different note. I'm not sure if I am aware of what exactly "love" is, but I've learned it's a learning process. I know I'm happy, and in the end, that's all that really matters.
On new years day I was optimistic of what the year held for me, but it proved to hold a few more setbacks than I was expecting. For the first time I decided to write a list of resolutions. These resolutions were more set on the fact I wanted to keep my life moving forward, and keep me from dwelling--as that seems to be something I am good at. I don't think I crossed a single thing off the list, partially because I forgot which notebook I had written them in and which drawer I hid the notebook in. But, I'm not letting this little fact count on my list because it was more of an experiment to see if I would actually follow through with something. I tend to have quite the commitment problem.
1. My birthday came in and went out with little excitement. The world granted me with the shortest birthday I have ever had-- a whopping 22 hours! It was a blustery, snowy day in which I drove across the state and went through a time zone to take an hour away. Daylight savings also happened to be working against me and stole one more hour from me. But, I did not want this to make me bitter! I continued on as if it were just another day. After all, how bad could it have been when I had a cake next to me softly singing "Happy Birthday?"
2. My second semester of college presented itself with more challenges than I had ever had to deal with. School was always something I had to try at, but it was leaving me feeling like a failure. My friends were all smart and were having little issues, which left me feeling alone. Since I was in high school my plan was to get in and out of school to move one with a life I actually wanted to work for. I had to do a self reevaluation because there was no way I could get to where I wanted if I wasn't willing to work hard to get there. For the first time in my life I was failing a class, one I tried to understand but several factors left me clueless and ready to give up. A day before the drop date passed I came to the harsh reality of my grade and chose to say goodbye to the class and give my every effort into the rest of my classes--one of which was a struggling C. Being an independent individual made this eat away at me. I never wanted to experience a failure again. I felt like this "failure" not only disgraced me because I looked at myself poorly, but having very smart siblings made me feel like they would look down on me. With this "self reevaluation" I discovered how extensive the network of people backing me really was. If only I had reached out for help and accepted my struggles earlier. I'm glad I was faced with a failure in a class though. A class does not depict my personality, nor my character. It simply states whether or not I understood the material presented.
3. Because of feeling like a failure, I knew the only way I could bring myself truly back from it was by retaking the class. I didn't really have a choice though. With a summer to get my required classes taken before applying to nursing school, I knew I couldn't afford any mess-ups. I also knew that if I couldn't work well under the stress of a full plate, how was I supposed to make it through a professional program? I spent my summer retaking the class I failed, retaking a class I knew I could do better in, and taking a class to get ahead. That put me at 10 credits, nearly a full time student. I couldn't stop there though, I needed money. I worked part time in tourism, and picked up volunteer hours at the hospital. The desire to be busy wasn't exactly my idea of a fun summer, but I knew I wanted to get into nursing school and that my current GPA wouldn't cut it. By the end of the summer, I had passed all of my classes with nearly 100% A's. I worked so hard for one goal, and when the acceptance into nursing school came, I declined it. It was a decision that ripped at me, but it was at my second choice. I knew if I had taken it and ran with it that I would let my current classes slide by and I would always feel like I had chosen the second best option for me.
4. With my reevaluation summer, there was one more thing that I needed to take care of. I pretended to ignore the mess that accumulated annually, but it was time to face the fact that I was becoming a hoarder. So many material things became personal as I tried giving meaning to keeping them over the years. I knew the only way I could truly turn a new leaf was by erasing my past. I got rid of nearly everything from my childhood. Old pictures of friends that meant nothing to me, all my old trinkets, even the color of my room had to be changed. I wanted to be a new person and not let anyone know of my struggles that turned into not letting go of material items. Three car loads of donations and sixteen bags of garbage were taken out, and I'm happy to say clearing out my life and starting new has been one of my best decisions.
5. A few weeks into my sophomore semester I was excited by the change, but saddened by the disappearance of one of my best friends. The more I longed to rekindle the friendship, the deeper into a depression I fell. Afraid I was losing good friends and not going to make new ones made me uncertain I was making the right choices. And in the midst of the confusion I got a call telling me my grandpa, one of the closest family members to me, had cancer. I couldn't imaging losing him, but I didn't know who to talk to. I rarely express my feelings to others, but the one person I could was no longer wanting to be in my picture. All I wanted was for an answer to tell me what to do. Part of me was angry because I could tell all week that something was wrong, and the whole time there was something wrong. I just didn't know until the end of the week. The next night I had plans to go to a concert, so that was nice to ease my mind of the situation, but I knew I had to go home at the next possible weekend. Chemo has hopefully been working its miracle on my gramps, and in a couple weeks will be his last treatment. I'm hoping this was just a test to check if I'm taking the most of every moment I have with my family. It in a way was an answer to my shaky friendships. Those who were supportive to me were present, and those who had disappeared from my life probably wouldn't ever be there in the future.
6. Just before Thanksgiving I was confided in with disturbing information. I had become a source of information knowing of potential harmful behavior. Gruesome images of how this individual wanted another to be raped and murdered haunted me, so I told the targeted individual and eventually was put under a witness protection security by my school. Until Christmas break I avoided potential places where my "informant" may be hanging out. Because I had ratted and he had only told me, I didn't want to come across him alone. I still wonder why the individual confided in me because I had known them for less than five minutes. As long as I can return to normal life when I return to school, I can put it in the past, even with unanswered questions.
7. With 2013 appearing to have much more negatives than positives, I'm happy to say I can end on a good note, after all, seven is a lucky number. To start, I'm one of those girls who will chase something until the end of the earth, but in the end pretend I'm loveless. I believe love exists in the world, but I never used to think it truly did for me. There was one person I think I truly fell for in 2012-2013. I never dated the kid, nor was I ever referred to as more than a friend, but there was something that kept me from running away. We completely understood each other and had a deeper connection that we tapped into. The world disappeared when we would talk and we made the other person better. But 2013 was weird and tore us a little bit and after a while we stopped talking. I remember my mom once saying that if I opened my eyes I would see the world was interested in me. My tunnel vision focus blocks the world out and I forget the opportunities that are floating by. During my tunnel vision phase at the start of September I met a few other guys, and was very interested in one, but was still preoccupied in trying to mend my broken "friendship." One morning I opened my eyes to the situation and decided to stop trying at the lost cause. That same night the friend I was beginning to become more interested in made it apparent he was interested in me. I took a leap of faith and couldn't be happier in the outcome. My wavering friend is back, but not nearly as close as he used to be, and I've fallen for one of the nicest guys I've met. If I hadn't have given him or myself the chance, 2013 might have ended on a very different note. I'm not sure if I am aware of what exactly "love" is, but I've learned it's a learning process. I know I'm happy, and in the end, that's all that really matters.
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