2016 in Review

As much as I try to hate on 2016, it's actually been a pretty incredible year. (I've just been a little salty about Alan Rickman's death that occurred way back in January.) Before I get ahead of myself, this is what I wanted to accomplish this year.

• To be a better person: In 2015 I recognized I was angry for reasons outside of my control, which made me an unpleasant person. This year, I began with a new outlook. To keep from repeating this behavior, I decided to try taking a moment every day to think of anything in my life that made me grateful. As a natural grouch, this was difficult and I gave up after a couple months. However, around May it hit me how much I appreciated everything around me. Each day since, my mind naturally recognizes something I'm grateful for, and it has helped reshape how I treat those around me. I'd like to think I'm a happier, kinder, person today than the version of me one year ago.

Now, with that said, there were a few things I didn't quite accomplish in 2015 that needed a second chance to be properly attempted. 

• Seize every opportunity life presents
• Take risks
• Finish my book

So, let's rewind to February. In February I traveled to Philadelphia, PA to interview at my dream hospital: The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (pretty thankful I seized the opportunity to apply back in 2015!). On the plane, I got seated next to a man who happened to be head of interviews for his company and he was kind enough to share his tips on various interview questions. Curious, he asked why I chose CHOP. So I shared that I want to be a pediatric nurse in oncology one day, and why I wanted to be apart of the oncological advances that happen at CHOP. Before we got off the plane he paused and told me that his son had leukemia as a child, and how much of an impact the nurses made on his family. He proceeded to say, "I wish you much success; you'll be perfect for the job." He was a blessing in disguise, and I'll never forget what he taught me. 

In March, I decided five years was long enough to be working on a book. I had spent January and February writing as often as I could, but there was one piece that I couldn't figure out how exactly to write. As I drove home for spring break, the idea finally came through my foggy brain, and I promised myself by the end of break I would have the completed book in my hand. Over the course of three days, at the end of spring break I managed to put the idea into words (about 10,000 words), and I finished writing my book shortly before 5 am on March 14th. There's no words to describe how it felt to finally see my dream completed in front of me. Now, I just have to finish editing it to hopefully secure a publisher this next year.

In April, I took a few risks that led me to meeting new people, and handfuls of new opportunities. Because it would take too long to write them out, I'll say what I learned from this. I learned that my comfort zone was a small bubble, but life outside my comfort made me feel alive and adventurous. This "bubble" had trapped me and I wasn't happy because I knew I was missing out. I spent four years in college, but until that month I hadn't truly experienced what I set out to do or become. Early in college I used to be spontaneous and lively, but I didn't realize how much I stopped being myself until my friends forced it back out of me. 

In May I said goodbye to friends who graduated, and felt like I was still looking for something missing. It didn't feel right that college was coming to a close. I knew I still had one semester left, but I searched for answers to questions I couldn't form. And then it hit me how grateful I was for the life I've gotten to live out. Finally, I was becoming the best version of me. I couldn't pause because I feared I would revert to my simpler ways, so I continued with a new risk: I purchased my first car. It was another attempt at being independent, and knowing what I wanted out of the future left me with no other choice but to close the deal. Looking back, this purchase has allowed me to achieve more opportunities.

June taught me a life lesson in the scariest way possible. I had been sick on and off for most of the spring, but didn't think much of it since during the past two years my immune system decided to let every simple cold take over. I forced myself to go to the clinic on a Monday after my attempt to get better over the weekend failed. After being on an antibiotic for three days, I progressively got worse and could barely stand because I got so weak. Thursday night of that week my dad forced me to go to the ER, so off I went and got diagnosed with pneumonia. However, by blood also showed something else. The doctor asked me if I knew what blast cells were, and all I could remember was that they weren't good, so I shook my head and hoped I was wrong. Blast cells are immature blood cells, and indicate a problem. She said there's a chance that my body couldn't keep up with producing white blood cells fast enough to conquer my pneumonia and began releasing these immature cells. It's rare, but it sometimes happens in severe illnesses. I had to get my blood rechecked as soon as I could get back into the clinic (Tuesday at the latest) and if over the weekend I felt worse to return to the ER immediately. She then told me the other possible diagnosis. If these blast cells weren't due to the pneumonia, it was possible that I had leukemia. So after getting released from the ER, I got to go home and "try not to worry" --mhm, as if I'm not going to webmd my symptoms and compare them to leukemia. I was 6 hours from home and the only friend who I would tell was also 6 hours away. That weekend I did something I don't normally do, and I tried praying. I knew if the blood results came back with more blast cells that I would get couped up in a hospital room, and that would be an end to fun for a while. I thought about all the things I wanted to do: see the ocean again, get my book published, finish writing my series, graduate, hang out with my friends and family... the list goes on. If my blood work came back as an improvement, I planned to see these adventures out. Life is too short not to. Lucky for me, in five days my body ridded the blast cells and my WBC count returned to a favorable range. June reminded me to not take life so seriously, and to appreciate every moment.

In August I went on a road trip with my best friend to see the ocean. I fell in love with the east coast, and found a location I wanted to make my new home (for a little while at least). While on the trip (not quite to our destination), my car window broke, and I learned that no matter how frustrated I can get, the window will still be broken. I learned to joke about my misfortune, and enjoy the humid Virginia and North Carolina air at 70 miles per hour.

In September and October, I took a risk and applied to jobs in Raleigh, NC. Not a single piece of me feared the idea. In November, I attended four interviews. At my final interview, I felt both terrified and excited because I finally knew which job I had to have. When I got three job offers, it was a no-brainer which one I wanted. I wanted the position that scared me. So I took a job in the Emergency Department, and I'm confident it's right where I belong.

So here we are. 2016 is about to conclude and I finally reached everything I set out to achieve. Now, I just have to finish studying for my licensure test and then my adventure can continue in 2017 with one big move, a new job, and a handful of new opportunities!

Cheers to the new year, and 365 days of fresh beginnings!

108,192 Words.

This post is long overdue, but on March 14^th, 2016, I found myself awake around 5 AM, smiling, because I was looking at a document on my computer that held 108,192 words and 163 pages. These words and pages were entirely my own creation. I had just finished writing my first book, and I was in the same room where it all began from a dream about five years prior.

Being a person who never really stuck with projects in the past made this moment extraordinary. For the first time, I forced myself to stick with this project to the end—just to prove to myself that I can finish tasks that are important to me. I do have a couple friends I can thank for pushing me along the way, but for now, you know exactly who you are and I’m so grateful for you.

After graduation in May, I spent four days working diligently from the time I woke up, to the time I went to bed cutting my first edit on this book. On May 14^th, 2016, I completed the first edit and printed a copy to send off to a friend who is currently editing it further. I never understood the extent of editing until I began further editing my book on my own a few weeks ago. In two hours I was only three pages deep, and found myself so grateful for editors. I truly believe you’ll never understand the extent of another person’s job until you spend a day working in their shoes.

This next part is something I wasn’t sure if I wanted to add, but I feel it’s important because for most of my life, I’ve turned to words to express myself and I know I’m not the first person to do so. Writing can be a very personal matter for the author, but for the average Joe reading the pages of a book, they might simply think it’s a story of characters strengths and weaknesses trying to grip their way to the top. However, this story is much more. This book was where I turned when I had no answer to my life’s questions. If I was happy, sad, feeling weak, or feeling absolutely confident, I decided to write to bring life into my writing. When I read this book, I also read the hidden message that I’ve encrypted. My life up until March has become woven through the lines of my book, and once I pressed the final key on my keyboard, I finally felt a complete sense of peace. Yes, I had gotten my dream written and that was a pressure I could finally ease up on, but I had also gotten my own story written and at last the struggles I once knew dissipated into a faded memory. All the wonderful memories shined through, and world events that I’ve lived through found a place among the words to remind me how great and full of opportunity this life can be.

When I was in second grade, I told myself I would write a book one day and I would get it published. This experience taught me how rewarding it is to reach a dream goal, and to never stop pushing myself towards what I want to achieve in this life. I have the book written, and it’s getting polished up daily. Soon, I will find a publisher. One day, hopefully not too far away, someone other than myself can open my book and find the adventure as humbling as the message on the pages.

Europe.

Okay, I know. I haven't blogged since January, but in my mind I have an acceptable excuse! I've written maybe 8 pages since? I think? Oh well, I've also split my time among a very busy schedule with class, work, figuring out what I'm doing with my life, getting over an illness that's lingered for over a month, and planning my 6 week adventure in EUROPE!!!

Yeah, I'm pretty excited for Europe. Also, while most people dread the 8+ hour plane ride that I'll be enduring, I'm pretty stoked. It means 8+ hours of uninterrupted writing towards my book and no internet to distract me. :)  The flight might also mean nap time if I'm completely honest.

While I'm in Europe, I'm hoping to get some new experiences in that will help inspire me to make this book magnificent. I'll be documenting my adventure in a journal and postcards (which I'll turn into its own unique journal) to keep to myself. Maybe this European adventure will spark another book idea to be written? Eh, time will tell.

I'm hoping to finish my book in the next couple months though! I probably won't blog again until I have it fully written and want to brag that I actually completed the initial writing process.

Life's an adventure. Live it, love it, write it.

100+

I made it! Ok, so my book is not anywhere near completion, but I've finally met my original goal.
About 3.5 years ago I set out to transform a bizarre dream I had into a novel. The goal was a 100 page word document single book. As I constructed it I quickly realized that it would be three books, not one. Then, as I added parts, the 100 page goal turned into a 170 page maximum (I can't let the word count get out of hand).
So today, 7th of January, I sit with my partially completed novel: 100 pages of glory and 67,391 words. By the end of June I'm hoping to write the final words to my novel and begin the revising/editing process. I have yet to make a deadline, so I'd best be off. My next goal is to meet the final deadline I've set for my book, and it shouldn't be unobtainable.

175 days to conquer about 70 pages worth of material. I can do this.

2014 In Review (kind of)

I'm not going to waste your time reading this, or my time writing this. To get straight to it, 2014 sucked. Right after midnight tolled and 2015 began, I felt new again and that my struggles from the past year were over. Although, the year did provide me with one awesome thing, and that was 50-55 pages added to my book. Over the last 3.5 years I've gotten about 100 pages written, and the bulk of it was written in the latter portion of this year.

I feel so empowered by this change of the year and will (hopefully) write each day so I can finish my book in June. I'm just going to emphasize *hopefully* because I have yet to meet a deadline that I've set for myself.

Let's rewind to May 2014 so I can prove this point.
I got so sick of not making deadlines that I made two calendars: one for June and one for July. Each was mapped out counting down every 10 days to remind myself that my time was running out to reach a particular portion in my book. I even wrote little notes along the way to guilt myself into writing. For example, at the top of my July calendar I wrote myself a "note of encouragement." It read: "A little birdie told me that you're behind. Better get at it. This shit won't write itself." I remember writing that at the beginning of June, and then laughing in July when I realized I knew myself too well. I barely made a dent in the writing I needed to finish when July rolled around. But looking back, I'm glad I wrote that because I got to work and wrote a ton of pages...about 30. Lo and behold, today I still haven't reached my end of July goal, so maybe I just had outrageous wishful thinking.

Right after the year flipped over, I changed my computer background to a picture that included a quote which pretty much sums up what I want from this year. I love the quote, I've loved it for years, and I felt it was right to smack in front of my face each time I started my computer. This is it.

Beautiful scenery with a quote so simple. The only way I will have the opportunity to run along the journey I want to create, is with "...a single step." By writing each day, I'm a step closer to that journey. But the best part of it all is that each step is a journey in itself.

This year will be the year I finish writing my book and begin the process of revising and editing. With my confidence restored, there's not much that can stop me!

2013 In Review

I believe I did something like this last year on my old blog, so I figured I'd spill out another year of my life to anyone interested. Writing is a portal of my most honest emotion, so here it goes.

On new years day I was optimistic of what the year held for me, but it proved to hold a few more setbacks than I was expecting. For the first time I decided to write a list of resolutions. These resolutions were more set on the fact I wanted to keep my life moving forward, and keep me from dwelling--as that seems to be something I am good at. I don't think I crossed a single thing off the list, partially because I forgot which notebook I had written them in and which drawer I hid the notebook in. But, I'm not letting this little fact count on my list because it was more of an experiment to see if I would actually follow through with something. I tend to have quite the commitment problem.

1. My birthday came in and went out with little excitement. The world granted me with the shortest birthday I have ever had-- a whopping 22 hours! It was a blustery, snowy day in which I drove across the state and went through a time zone to take an hour away. Daylight savings also happened to be working against me and stole one more hour from me. But, I did not want this to make me bitter! I continued on as if it were just another day. After all, how bad could it have been when I had a cake next to me softly singing "Happy Birthday?"

2. My second semester of college presented itself with more challenges than I had ever had to deal with. School was always something I had to try at, but it was leaving me feeling like a failure. My friends were all smart and were having little issues, which left me feeling alone. Since I was in high school my plan was to get in and out of school to move one with a life I actually wanted to work for. I had to do a self reevaluation because there was no way I could get to where I wanted if I wasn't willing to work hard to get there. For the first time in my life I was failing a class, one I tried to understand but several factors left me clueless and ready to give up. A day before the drop date passed I came to the harsh reality of my grade and chose to say goodbye to the class and give my every effort into the rest of my classes--one of which was a struggling C. Being an independent individual made this eat away at me. I never wanted to experience a failure again. I felt like this "failure" not only disgraced me because I looked at myself poorly, but having very smart siblings made me feel like they would look down on me. With this "self reevaluation" I discovered how extensive the network of people backing me really was. If only I had reached out for help and accepted my struggles earlier. I'm glad I was faced with a failure in a class though. A class does not depict my personality, nor my character. It simply states whether or not I understood the material presented.

3. Because of feeling like a failure, I knew the only way I could bring myself truly back from it was by retaking the class. I didn't really have a choice though. With a summer to get my required classes taken before applying to nursing school, I knew I couldn't afford any mess-ups. I also knew that if I couldn't work well under the stress of a full plate, how was I supposed to make it through a professional program? I spent my summer retaking the class I failed, retaking a class I knew I could do better in, and taking a class to get ahead. That put me at 10 credits, nearly a full time student. I couldn't stop there though, I needed money. I worked part time in tourism, and picked up volunteer hours at the hospital. The desire to be busy wasn't exactly my idea of a fun summer, but I knew I wanted to get into nursing school and that my current GPA wouldn't cut it. By the end of the summer, I had passed all of my classes with nearly 100% A's. I worked so hard for one goal, and when the acceptance into nursing school came, I declined it. It was a decision that ripped at me, but it was at my second choice. I knew if I had taken it and ran with it that I would let my current classes slide by and I would always feel like I had chosen the second best option for me.

4. With my reevaluation summer, there was one more thing that I needed to take care of. I pretended to ignore the mess that accumulated annually, but it was time to face the fact that I was becoming a hoarder. So many material things became personal as I tried giving meaning to keeping them over the years. I knew the only way I could truly turn a new leaf was by erasing my past. I got rid of nearly everything from my childhood. Old pictures of friends that meant nothing to me, all my old trinkets, even the color of my room had to be changed. I wanted to be a new person and not let anyone know of my struggles that turned into not letting go of material items. Three car loads of donations and sixteen bags of garbage were taken out, and I'm happy to say clearing out my life and starting new has been one of my best decisions.

5. A few weeks into my sophomore semester I was excited by the change, but saddened by the disappearance of one of my best friends. The more I longed to rekindle the friendship, the deeper into a depression I fell. Afraid I was losing good friends and not going to make new ones made me uncertain I was making the right choices. And in the midst of the confusion I got a call telling me my grandpa, one of the closest family members to me, had cancer. I couldn't imaging losing him, but I didn't know who to talk to. I rarely express my feelings to others, but the one person I could was no longer wanting to be in my picture. All I wanted was for an answer to tell me what to do. Part of me was angry because I could tell all week that something was wrong, and the whole time there was something wrong. I just didn't know until the end of the week. The next night I had plans to go to a concert, so that was nice to ease my mind of the situation, but I knew I had to go home at the next possible weekend. Chemo has hopefully been working its miracle on my gramps, and in a couple weeks will be his last treatment. I'm hoping this was just a test to check if I'm taking the most of every moment I have with my family. It in a way was an answer to my shaky friendships. Those who were supportive to me were present, and those who had disappeared from my life probably wouldn't ever be there in the future.

6. Just before Thanksgiving I was confided in with disturbing information. I had become a source of information knowing of potential harmful behavior. Gruesome images of how this individual wanted another to be raped and murdered haunted me, so I told the targeted individual and eventually was put under a witness protection security by my school. Until Christmas break I avoided potential places where my "informant" may be hanging out. Because I had ratted and he had only told me, I didn't want to come across him alone. I still wonder why the individual confided in me because I had known them for less than five minutes. As long as I can return to normal life when I return to school, I can put it in the past, even with unanswered questions.

7. With 2013 appearing to have much more negatives than positives, I'm happy to say I can end on a good note, after all, seven is a lucky number. To start, I'm one of those girls who will chase something until the end of the earth, but in the end pretend I'm loveless. I believe love exists in the world, but I never used to think it truly did for me. There was one person I think I truly fell for in 2012-2013. I never dated the kid, nor was I ever referred to as more than a friend, but there was something that kept me from running away. We completely understood each other and had a deeper connection that we tapped into. The world disappeared when we would talk and we made the other person better. But 2013 was weird and tore us a little bit and after a while we stopped talking. I remember my mom once saying that if I opened my eyes I would see the world was interested in me. My tunnel vision focus blocks the world out and I forget the opportunities that are floating by. During my tunnel vision phase at the start of September I met a few other guys, and was very interested in one, but was still preoccupied in trying to mend my broken "friendship." One morning I opened my eyes to the situation and decided to stop trying at the lost cause. That same night the friend I was beginning to become more interested in made it apparent he was interested in me. I took a leap of faith and couldn't be happier in the outcome. My wavering friend is back, but not nearly as close as he used to be, and I've fallen for one of the nicest guys I've met. If I hadn't have given him or myself the chance, 2013 might have ended on a very different note. I'm not sure if I am aware of what exactly "love" is, but I've learned it's a learning process. I know I'm happy, and in the end, that's all that really matters.

A Simple Observation

If I could categorize myself as anything, it would be an observer. I've never been a leader, nor have I been a follower. Today I happened to notice a small phenomena that I'm hoping isn't just happening with me--but then again, I'm hoping not everyone is this way. 

Everyone has friends that they have fallen apart from, as well as having friends that are nearly acquaintances. In a scenario incorporating both, who do you acknowledge? 

Today I was walking with my sister and mother (as well as half the town) through the mall for the annual Black Friday shopping hype. I had run into an acquaintance who used to be a good friend and had greeted her quickly as I continued by (to be friendly, but I wished I hadn't have seen her). Not long after this encounter I had passed her again, but this time we both sort of "looked away" as if we hadn't seen each other. Why? Because girls are odd creatures, and that's about the only explanation I can give it. Less than ten seconds later I passed my old best friend who I had roughly said goodbye to about six months prior. Instead of ignoring her, I smiled back and gestured hello--to reply to her sad smile. 

Why do we ignore our "friends" yet acknowledge near strangers? Have we conformed to a sort of society that cherishes the past and the future, yet cannot enjoy what is in front of us? Or does the truth lie in the fact we are curious as to how everyone else lives their lives now that we no longer hear of it all the time?

Why is it that when prompted with the question, "who do you acknowledge," we lie and say our friends? Of course you would acknowledge a friend, but what harm lies in a kind gesture to a foe or stranger? There is none, which is why we acknowledge a wide range of people throughout a day. Acquaintances for some reason, though, get the back burner and an acknowledgment only half the time.

I'm disappointed in myself for becoming the sort of person who dreads some "hello's" and openly greets others. I'll probably expand on this later, but for now it's food for thought.