2017 IN REVIEW

For the past few years, I've written a yearly review of the ups and downs I've faced during the previous months, and my hopes I have for the next year. And quite truthfully, I've dreaded writing this post because I wasn't ready to be honest with myself. I refused to write it on New Year's Eve, and I managed to go all January trying to convince myself I didn't need to write it. The tradition was supposed to be cut off.

But that's not me. I cannot stop writing when I feel the need to bleed my struggles and achievements into words.

Writers write. The tradition continues. Also, don't judge my writing. This is a blog, not a book. I don't strive for perfection here.

January 2017

What a month. I studied 12 hours a day nearly every day just so I could find out on 1/30/17 my hard work paid off. The letters "BSN, RN" finally found their place behind my name and the next chapter of my life began. 

February

Each day I worked to sell, or donate, or throw my childhood away, knowing in just 10 short days I'd be moving 1700 miles with only the belongings that fit in my car. Days became split into cleaning, planning a baby shower for my sister, and spending time with my family. All too soon, I found myself starting the journey to the next chapter of my life. I didn't want to show it, but I was terrified. I'm terrible at committing to anything, and with the move, I didn't allow for any room to falter. Being the strong, independent woman I am, I knew I could handle each bump. No matter how terrified, lonely, or confused I felt, I made it my mission to conquer it with apparent flawless ease. No one could know that I was struggling... I stopped in Indiana for a long weekend with a great friend before arriving at my new state, North Carolina on February 13th. Immediately, there were problems I faced with my RN license. However, it smoothed out after minor panicking. I began my job on February 20th, and couldn't be more ecstatic. I loved work, my new state, and was hopeful this was just the start of a world of opportunity. 

March

Just as the initial honeymoon phase began to wear off, I got to move into my brand new apartment and restarted that happy go lucky phase. A friend visited for spring break just days after I moved, and I celebrated my first birthday far from friends or family. BUT let me make a correction. I had my friend from spring break by my side (truly a blessing) and a newfound realization that not all friends are truly equal. As the month continued, I began feeling very alone. When I moved, I thought I was moving to a place where I had two friends  +mutual friends, when in reality, they were barely more than cowards. One crouched behind his girlfriend who felt threatened by my presence. The other couldn't stand up for me or give me the time of day unless it was a convenience. Needless to say, I'm a highly emotional person (not necessarily around others) and found myself becoming very lonely and depressed. The thought of someone hating me who didn't even know me was heartbreaking. But even more so that I didn't even have one friend--whom might I add I used to be very close to--who would stand up for me. I became the dirt shoved under the rug. By the end of the month, I experienced my first death at work. It was a traumatic suicide. I had a lot of feelings about it. Now imagine going home to no one, nothing, and remembering you're all alone in a state that doesn't quite feel like home. I'm actually crying right now as I remember that day, the experience, and the lack of people I felt like I could talk to. I felt like a child, surrounded by strangers. To start feeling somewhat more normal, I went back to my natural hair color and gave myself a makeover.

April

April was hard. Beginning in March and through most of April, I'd find myself coming home from work, or the bar, or from seeing my new friends and collapsing in the bathroom in tears telling myself "I can't do this." It didn't matter how great of a day I was having. By the end of it, I was right back to the denial phase thinking I was making a huge mistake. My brother and dad came for a brief visit, and it was nice showing them my new city.

May

I barely remember May.  By now, I got over the crying stage and forced myself to edit my book. I spent a lot of time with my computer, but I also branched out more with friends and dating. I started laughing again - feeling like myself - but felt guarded with my friendships.

June

To the man at the UPS store, I sincerely apologize again for clicking print on my 330 page manuscript which caused your print job to pause...then create a paper jam...then break the printer. I sent my book off to its first publisher in June and went home to visit family. By the end of the month, my apartment was finally fully furnished and I could invite people over without explaining that I'm too poor to buy all my furniture at once. 

July

Ahh, the month I got the quick feedback that my book wasn't suitable for publishing. I expected this rejection, though, and didn't let it damper my psyche. By July 9th, I was off orientation at work and expected to take care of patients on my own. It was a great transition. 7/17/17 I made the best decision of my life and adopted a puppy from a rescue organization. His happiness is unyielding and he is the best part of my day. My sister's family came to visit at the end of the month and I loved seeing my nieces experience the ocean. 

August

I remember having a sick puppy keeping me from sleeping longer than 2 hour increments and the eclipse. Wow, lack of sleep definitely correlates with memory.  I visited my brother in Charleston for the eclipse experience at Folly Beach. I'm sure I drank a lot and went on a date or something, but really, nothing else stands out.

September - November

It all blurs together. In the fall I began adding pediatric patients to my skill base. I visited NYC and failed miserably with the subway. My puppy finally stopped being sick! Netflix got a ton of use out of me. Oh! I also reconnected with my 2nd grade teacher who's a published author. She gave me a ton of advice on how to revise my book, and it felt nice getting criticism I knew how to work with.

December
I pulled off a surprise visit home. After a 12 hour shift, I drove for 20 hours to Kansas City with my puppy. Due to an unnecessary fear of cars, my puppy needed benedryl to calm down long enough for me to actually get across the country. Then, after what felt like a nap, I drove 10 more hours home the next day for the surprise. It was awesome being home (I think my puppy is still depressed that I brought him back) and nice to see some family and friends that I hadn't seen in about a year. NYE came and I got dressed up fancy and went out with a few friends


I have one goal for 2018 - publish my book. 

I may regret posting this, but there's a lot of truth that needs to be said and I'm sick of keeping quiet about it. 2017 made me cynical, angry, depressed, and I learned what friendship is all while trying to become the most independent 23-year-old a person can hope to become. I truly wish I had written myself a letter early last year when I was so excited for the changes,

Real friends don't choose when they will offer support, they don't cower, and when needed they stand up for you. I'm sick of bending over backward for people who won't offer the same back, however, I don't plan on changing the time I give others. I can only hope that my current friendships will continue to grow.

From here on, I'm stopping making excuses for others. I'm going to stop apologizing for everything, and I'm not going to be afraid to call you out on something. It's time the lying stops, the excuses stop, and friends act like friends.
soapbox: If someone asks you for your time, be a friend and give it. You may not know how appreciated it is.

Be present, stop hiding the truth, communicate.
That's the least I expect, and the least I offer.